Because You Asked.....

...and because I kinda invited you all on this adventure and suddenly left you hangin. And because I need to do this. My delay wasn't entirely unintentional. The reason I never updated you after my trip to Orlando is because I myself had to process the experience and try to put it into words, if even in my own head. This proved more difficult than I anticipated. So, here is my best attempt. I've pulled the laptop out onto the couch, have a snack and water and the tv on for the girls so I can get this over with.


Let's begin with Orlando. WOW!!! It was truly amazing. An incredible experience for sure. Competing in front of some of the biggest agents in the industry, learning from them in seminars, hanging out with my AMTC Annapolis peeps and laughing.... A LOT. Staying in a beautiful resort and hoping for a future in the industry. Such an experience of a lifetime that I am so thankful for.
The trip ended with Speed-Networking which kinda popped the bubble for me. I met with about 10 agents who (all but 1) told me to "work your local market" meaning "hey kid, don't call us we'll call you.", except not so nice. 90% of the agents were from NY, LA, Atlanta or Dallas and had NO interest in people who were not willing to move there.
Which leads me to question why in the world AMTC recruits thousands of people from small cities and provides no representation from said cities at Convention. Which is another post all-together, for another day, that will never come. Whatever!!!!!
The last agent I spoke to (from Charlotte), gave me some encouragement and advice, took my headshot and told me she would put it in her casting book. So I am thankful that God granted a positive ending to an otherwise discouraging morning.

Then, back home... to reality where "working your local market" proved to be QUITE laborious. Now, if I had all my time to give, it would actually be fun, exhilerating really. As I type these words (still processing) I realize how weird it is that the same journey, in my personal experience, could either be LABORIOUS or exhilerating. This is only a small part of why this has been so difficult for me to work out in my mind, much less explain to other people. But here is the deal in a nut shell. We were told from the get-go that this industry is BRUTAL. It takes a lot of hard work, money and commitment to make it. And upon coming home it seemed I could try to make it work. I went on an audition, submitted for a few others, was an extra in a small film, went into DC and Baltimore for various classes or meetings. It was all very exciting.

And then.....

Fall came. Sammy started school (along with our babysitter), Thea started dance and co-op, the girls and I started BSF, and I started "schooling" Thea. Oh yeah and I began going to a counselor (but that is another post).
Let me just say; I love our Fall schedule. But as you can imagine, it hardly leaves room for me to try to kick off a career/hobby, especially one so unstable, and into which you must invest much money and time with NO guarantee of return much less success.

There came my crisis point. In practical ways such as having only one headshot left to submit and no money to get more printed, the need to take classes to get "in" with the local casting directors and no money to take said classes. Seems to be a theme here?
And then there was the less than practical crisis; an identity crisis of sorts. It became undeniably clear that "it" just wasn't gonna happen at this point in my life. After much consideration and thought, I realized that in order to make "it" happen, there would have to be GREAT sacrifice. It would mean sacrificing the most important thing to me.......... my most important passion...... to be at home with/for my kids. This is what God has asked of me and EVERY time I think of doing anything else I come near to a full-on panic attack. Wait, maybe I did have that attack (but that is a different post). Bathroom floor anyone?

There are 2 pictures book-ending this post that I feel truly do represent me. 2 very different parts of me, but both, very much me nonetheless. One closer to the center of my reality than the other.

Perhaps,

someday,

God will bring these parts closer together, closer to the center of me. But for now they stay as bookends and God at the center as I press into Him to be the woman He has created me to be.

I feel I have rambled.
I feel I have left so many details out.
I feel I have tried my best to bring clarity.
I feel I have failed terribly at bringing clarity.
I feel I have much more to work out (but that is between me and my Abba).
I feel this story is not over.
I feel there is a time for every season.
And most of all
I feel I have NEVER enjoyed my kids more.
I feel there is so much more to say.
I feel my kids need me to make lunch.
I feel it is my joy and privilege and my CURRENT calling to make lunch.
I feel the best is yet to come.............